,

Two things:

1. I had always given my body too soon.

2. I wonder if it will sicken future girlfriends to discover that others had touched me before them, that they were not the first I'd touched. I think about this now because I know what it's like to feel that slight disgust and then to elicit that same disgust.

I remember overhearing an argument between P and her brother, J, and how J stabbed her at the end by saying that she was "filthy" and "pathetic" for fucking E and D (two people J really disliked at the time). I would have punched J if I hadn't been so stunned. He voiced the thoughts that lingered in the peripheries of my consciousness, and in his expression was a magnitude of disgust that I could have allowed myself to feel. I found P sobbing in the living room and it broke my heart to see how the nastiness of my petty disgust would have affected P had I openly expressed it myself.

And then a year or two later:

Sigh.

posted by Δ  # 8:05 AM